Guys, I'm not going to lie. This week has been really tough. I went to the doctor Tuesday. Since I waited so late to start actually getting myself checked out, this was technically my first OB appointment. Suffice it to say they had to stick things in uncomfortable places and q-tip/scrape little bits of my insides. (I know. Sorry.) On top of all that fun stuff, I've just felt so tired and out angry and just not myself this week.
Ready to think I'm the worst mom ever?
No, seriously.
You sure you're ready?
I don't really feel excited about meeting my baby.
Okay, its out there. Phew. I just feel so discouraged whenever I try to pick out a name, look at bedding or even clothes shop for the little guy. At Target this week I just kind of wandered around the baby department, feeling so jealous of the moms who would be buying all the cute ruffled shorts for their newborn baby girls. I had to bypass cute pink chevron sheets, sweet pastel tops, and pretty patterned dresses. I am now confined to the world of zoo animals and sports motifs.
I started crying this morning watching Zooey bang on the window behind our bed. This is it, I thought. These are the last few months I get to spend with only my daughter. Oh my gosh, I'm crying right now just thinking about it. I had a mild panic attack before I started making dinner the other night because I couldn't decide on a name. I feel so anxious about my baby showers. I asked Daniel one night if he was excited about our new baby and when he said yes I basically turned into a huge mess. Why can't I feel that way, too? I'm not worried about loving him. I just feel overwhelmed about everything; I'm always tired or crying or stuffing my face with pie. How do you even begin to cope with feeling this way?
Then there's the guilt. Like I said, I didn't start going to the doctor until about a month ago. What if something ends up being wrong with him and if I had only gone earlier they could have caught it and fixed it? And I'm putting so much pressure on Daniel to be the one to provide for us while I sit at home and play with the cuties all day. I can't even fathom going back to school or work but it doesn't seem fair to him that I'm not really contributing anything.
So this is basically my head, all day every day, plus so much more. I'm not trying to whine and complain or get sympathy (even saying that sounds stupid). Maybe one last slice of pie before Zooey wakes up and I pester her into snuggling with her crazy momma...
I started crying this morning watching Zooey bang on the window behind our bed. This is it, I thought. These are the last few months I get to spend with only my daughter. Oh my gosh, I'm crying right now just thinking about it. I had a mild panic attack before I started making dinner the other night because I couldn't decide on a name. I feel so anxious about my baby showers. I asked Daniel one night if he was excited about our new baby and when he said yes I basically turned into a huge mess. Why can't I feel that way, too? I'm not worried about loving him. I just feel overwhelmed about everything; I'm always tired or crying or stuffing my face with pie. How do you even begin to cope with feeling this way?
Then there's the guilt. Like I said, I didn't start going to the doctor until about a month ago. What if something ends up being wrong with him and if I had only gone earlier they could have caught it and fixed it? And I'm putting so much pressure on Daniel to be the one to provide for us while I sit at home and play with the cuties all day. I can't even fathom going back to school or work but it doesn't seem fair to him that I'm not really contributing anything.
So this is basically my head, all day every day, plus so much more. I'm not trying to whine and complain or get sympathy (even saying that sounds stupid). Maybe one last slice of pie before Zooey wakes up and I pester her into snuggling with her crazy momma...
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